A light in a twisted world - What a smile can't do.

It has been a while since I last posted on this blog, especially so since there isnt a boredom to escape from anymore (Finished both Black and White 2 and it's expansion in 2 days! Played WoW for 9 hours straight!). And so here I am trying to get back attuned with the outside world once again, mildly dazed from literally 48 hours of abstinence from social contact. So, as much a ranting of words and a reminder to myself again on advice of how I should approach people outside the screen, I shall speak of - Smiles.


It's amazing thing, smiles, of what is but a simple, innate-built facial expression that reflects the person's contentment and happiness to those who care to notice. If it is noticed however, so pure is it's exhibition of joy that it is overflowing, infectious in everyway, tapping into each and every individual in different ways, mostly making the stranger feel happy even if there is nothing of him/herself in particular to be happy about. The best example of such a smile, is that of a babys': it cries like hell's gonna freeze over but when you do get it to smile just abit, your day lights up.


No doubt, there are many variations of smiles in the world: from the smile that accompanies pure delight to those that are born of malice or hate; and hence not all such 'smiles' would make others feel like a bucket of pink flowers. Hence the 'infectious smile' I spoke of prior, for simplicity's sake, is how I shall define what a smile is; with all other variations of smiles being modified ones, adapted to serve our own purporse. Indeed, society has adapted and evolved how we smile, from a young age we are taught to smile even when we don't really feel like it, conversly, we learn that not everyone who smiles at us are actually feeling happy either. One of the notions I have really wrestled with is that 'If something is done to an excess, most often the opposite usually happens'. While learning how to smile enables us to better get along with others, it doesnt take one too long to figure out that you'd be at square one if everyone's also doing the same thing. Candy doesnt taste sweet if you've been eating sugar all day and there are two ways you can make a light brighter: give it more light or make the surroundings darker. I have seen people in life with a literal smile pasted on their face 24/7 and sometimes, my jaw aches for them; while not to say that doom and gloom is the expressive way to go, sometimes I think that if we were abit more expressively honest with our feelings, the world would definetly be a happier place. True, we'll probably be confronted with each others' emotions and doubtlessly experience more friction without the lubricant of static smiles, but I think it's worth the bother if it can make that light shine better. After all, there's a reason why we always turn off the lights when we light up the birthday cake :P.

Im sure such is the case already with those close to you, just wish it extended abit more beyond that circle... I guess what one can get out of all of this is: The next time someone openly voices his opinion to you or displays discontent, be grateful he isnt just smiling.

Turning to me with piercing eyes that betrayed a youthful face he whispered with a soft smile: 'And freedom was never free...'

The acrid smell of wood scented the silent, tense air. But that hardly distressed him; so focused was he, on that single, ever-fleeting goal. A crunch, a sniffle to the left, the monotonous hum of some machinary in the background, the soft whispers of lead against surface resounds in the back of one's mind. Wading through the murky depths slowly but surely, ever tempted was the impulse to step out onto the sickly green grass paths that lined either side. A glance flashed at the round lightless moon, fleshless bony appendages that spoke of the lifespan of its dreamless nightmare, soon it would enter its third and final cycle. He shook his head as he had for an eternity, nay, that illusion all but leads to temporary relief, at the price of ones' fate. Despite oneself, the mind tenses as one of the several spectres floats past; leaving behind it a trail of indifference and duty - a harsh reminder for those that denied the dream. And he prodded out of the knee-deep murk and sludge; in here, indeed, was the pen mightier than the sword.

And as sudden as it began: it was done. Excitement swells in his heart. You take one final look back. No regrets, no second chance here. Shit happens, focus on only what you can change, leave the rest to God.


The sudden gush of light stuns you as you remember it once again, the once acrid stench is now replaced with the sweet crisp air of freedom. Colors seem brighter, the joy of sweetness returns to the taste, details are accentuated, every sense heightened.


I've fought the good fight, ran the good race, the blood and sweat spilled that was once my bane are now my pride; but if you were to ask me to do it again? You're gonna have to guess which finger Im pointing first.


Exams are over.

It's cold, and there are wolves about...

Well, the reason, as most of you would know, of why I have pratically ceased blog updates recently, is due to the monsterous fiend known as exams - the beast we all hope to outgrow someday - which are now pretty close. As in - pretty DAMN close. Like in 2 hours, that kinda close.

So the race has begun, gonna go stretch and warm up abit before the gun sounds in two hours, and since today's friday, I'll probably finish my back-to-back 'xams by next tuesday. Those reading this, pray for me. Those that arnt christians, become one. And pray for me.

Cuz Im gonna need it T.T

Friday - Behavorial Neuroscience: 2 Hours
Monday - Japanese? (the '?' isnt a typo): 2 Hours
Tuesday - Research Methods 3: 3 Hours

To truely grasp the feeling of pleasure, one must first understand pain... - Someone in pain.

Of Stars and Roses

Having read my friend's blog (since I had nothing to do and merely out of habit as I believe he is to mine) and spoken with some old friends whom I have talked with that have suffered relationship breakdowns in their lives, one cant help but ponder at the ultimate gain of it all. From what I hear, the opinions are diverse and many: Some claim that it is the memories you truely want to treasure and continue which will last a lifetime while the hurts will sting for only a moment; Others claim that it is these very memories that cause the hurt to last forever. Others look at relationships similar to shopping for clothes - there are plenty of clothings out there, which one's gonna fit me just right and will I be able to afford it? But then isnt that assuming that people are a 'single' size and cant 'stretch' for you? And where does love come in all of this?

I believe in many instances, life's all about taking and losing...and maybe the occasional giving if you are a believer in altruism (talked abt in my first post in regards to selfishness); but ultimately, happiness gained comes with a price, that of loss. When we stand to gain anything good, we create a chance for us to lose it causing hurt/loss equal, if not worst, to your original gain. Some move ahead without preparing themselves for this (which I dont blame since it's kinda depressing), blinded by the joys of a new relationship, then blinks, as the euphoria and pink lights fades away, in confusion at what went wrong and who was to blame for it.

In reality, the highs of relationships never lasts forever (that's why they're called 'highs') and as people within a relationship get to know each other more both good and bad aspects will reveal themselves; obstacles that will inevitably arise to jepordize your relationship. But that doesnt mean that such happy moments are worthless, when those obstacles appear, be it something you didnt know abt the other, a trait you dont like or even another contender to your bid for love (korean drama T.T); I think it is these happy moments that are meant to help tide you through. Needless to say, this is an effort that must stem from both sides, a relationship sustained through the efforts of only one, be it how strong, will not last. When a relationship fails it isnt suprising that such happy memories are laced with dissapointment, a supporting pillar in the bridge that couldnt withstand the storm. And with each successful survival of the storm, comes recovery which usually strengthens the bonds of the relationships (that is if the relationship survived and if the recovery was allowed to fully take place). Obviously Im simplifying the matter a great deal, whole books are probably written abt this issue and there are probably many other factors that can come into play.

But the question I've been trying to answer is a specific one: Is anyone really to blame? And the answer I've come to so far is, no. Perhaps from a micro, individuals' perspective, the breaking up of a relationship may seem unfair; but from a macro, it's ultimately a matter of wanting the best for yourself. You cant blame another for wanting a better life/relationship, since you want the same and for every sheep, there will always be a greener and better pasture. Theres still a ton to think and talk about but I gotta get back to work T.T. What can I say to those whose hearts have been hurled back at them? Pick it up, dont try to change the other person, seriously reflect if that person is worth going after/changing for and if not, it's time to return to that seemingly endless road and continue looking for that perfect star in the sky.

Manga of the day: Fairy Tail. Starring genres of Fantasy, Action and Shounen; Follow Natsu, a fire mage who was trained and brought up by a dragon, as he searches for his 'father' and accomplishs missions for his guild with a determination and heart that couldnt help but made me think of Luffy from One Piece XD. (those of you that havnt watched one piece, go get it ASAP!) http://www.kefi.org/fairy.php

In regards to the IRC tutorial I promised and more about the mysterious WoW, that shall come when time permits (which probably won't be anytime soon :P)

"Getting a girlfriend is like getting a pet, you gotta spend time with it, walk it, talk with it, feed it and train it" - A very very naive 14 year-old boy. (He probably had no idea what the last part really meant)

A Lust to Commence.

Having absolutely nothing to talk about my real life at the moment other than the abyssal feeling of impending doom with a capital 'E'; I have decided to take a premature break from blogging in an attempt to tackle that mighty force of darkness; by simply doing what takes the least amount of mental capacity: reccomend manga and talk about WoW.

Wasn't Mx0 a nice read? There are a ton of godly manga out there that dont have html direct links so I've decided to go ahead and compress select whole mangas into zip files and putting it up on some net-storage site for you lazy blokes.

Manga of the day! I bring you 'ID'! Dont let the name fool you, theres more to this manga, or in this case 'manhwa' (since it's korean), then meets the eye. While the manga is drawn with a simplistic style that accentuates the lighthearted footsteps of our asian feminine-looking hero (koreans....*rolls eyes*) as he travels through a western style world of fantasy. The pace quickly picks up as he meets new people in a world clearly alien to him. A master of chi-gong, a chinese form of martial arts that utilizes inner energy - the likes that has never been seen before in a land reliant on brawn and magic, follow Id (yes, that's his name) as we uncover his purporse and past that has so led him here. [I'll paste the link once the uploading is done] [Uploading failed, trying again...] Here it is! http://www.megaupload.com/?d=BBQ8EM4V

Coming up soon is an easy step-by-step procedure on how to acquire pratically any manga that's been scanalated on the web! Look foward to it!

Uhhh....yes, as a friend mentioned, it appears I have forgotten all about mentioning WoW - I love WoW. Tune in next time to find out what this accronym stands for! (Hopes I get away with this)

Phase 1: The Desire to be Heard.

12-ish hours after my first post and I have decided on what to write about next.
Having recieved feedback of my blog from the few friends who read it, I began to develop a certain growing compulsion so to speak, to spread my blog to the world; well, maybe not the world, but to as many people as possible. I can't really finger where this desire comes from but it has been something I've been trying to stem since I could never stand people spamming their blog address to their friends, relatives and then the friends they've never spoken to for over 10 years, finally ending in random forums scattered across the net. Perhaps it is the desire to feel like you have accomplished or taken part in starting a community? Or that so much time has been spent on it, someone has to read it! Ego? Wanting to know if your time was well spent? I don't really know but I suppose the reason would vary from persons to persons or perhaps all those reasons are existent within each and every one of us, just to different varying degrees. As I am sure there are countless amounts of interesting blogs out there, blogs are ultimately sources of references close friends can read to get to know more about you. It opens a window of insight into your views and facilitates interactions you might have with them the next time you meet, be it conversationally or silently in the background. Through this reasoning I (still with mild pangs of guilt) pasted my blog address in my MSN comments. I hope I can forgive myself before the day ends.

Having said, in a feeble attempt to ward off my feelings of guilt, I have decided to dedicate this post as a link and connection to other blogs.

Firstly, the blog of the friend that got me started: http://brennc.blogspot.com/

Secondly, the blog of my sister, whom I can trust to have an uncanny desire to respond to any posts I make: constructive or deconstructive - errrr, I'll add it later since I kinda never asked for it :P. Here it is! http://witherhana.livejournal.com

Well....that's about it. You can tell that I dont really know alot of blogs, so should you feel that evil voice in your head telling you to advertise your existence to the world, feel free to broadcast it in the comments section. I'll be sure to return the favor and give it a read. Promise.

Ain't the internet a crazy thing?

Oh yes, I'll be adding manga recomendations with html download links since I know most of you don't know how to use IRC (Fools! Noobs!). I'll try and keep it updated as well, just remember I'm no superman.

For today's manga reccomendation I bring you MX0! With genres of school-life, shounen and a touch of action/fantasy we follow the day-to-day walks of our main character as he is plunged into a school that teaches students how to manipulate magic. While unable to use magic, his physical combat capabilities more than compromise. A fun and light read!

http://vanlaerebeke.be/index.php?r=Mx0

Also read Ga-Rei, too lazy for an explanation but it's good, same genre but alot more action.

http://vanlaerebeke.be/index.php?r=2

A Start

Exams are up and approaching fast, I know next to nothing about what Im meant to know from lectures I didnt attend; I have a ton of unread notes given to me via concerned friends sitting on my already cluttered desk; just got told in church today that Im going to hell unless I start repenting from being human and once again brutally reminded by my biological mother that a goal-less life is a meaningless one. What's worst - I'm bored. And Im worried, worried of not being worried of what Im meant to be worried about. I'd like to believe I aint alone in this predicament; Im sure there's someone out there, if not several, who feel the way I feel - people who are generally disenchanted with the happenings in their lives, detached or numbed, if you may.

And so my best friend came along and told me to start a blog.

And so I have.

For the first time.

Religion... The preacher today, as all sundays, was asian and walked up on the dias after a brief but warm introduction from our church pastor. He was medium sized, about into his late forties and carried his bible about him like a gun. 'I was asked to preach to you about the issue of fasting, however, today -.' There was an audible pause. 'Today, I would like to speak of you're spiritual lives and I may sound harsh, but all I say comes from Jesus, from the old scripture.' He waves the bible in his right hand menancingly.
'HYPOCRITES!' The congregation seemed to jump in unison. 'LIARS, SCOUNDRELS, WOE UNTO YOU! This is what Jesus says to those who claim a christian identity unwholeheartedly.' The preaching continued on with a comparison of the dedication Islam/terrorist suicide bombers and our faith in God. There really isnt much to lose if you have nothing much to lose in the first place is there? You don't really hear millionare allah-believers running off with C4 strapped around them. Besides, didnt those dudes choose to die cause they wanted to go to a better place - aka cowards that couldnt really face life? And you'd think teenage-emo suicides couldnt get anymore destructive. To die in defence or for a cause is one thing, but that situation is meant to find you to have any meaning at all, not for one to create it. I've always felt, from a christian stand point, that to simply die for God was easy; after all your gonna go to heaven. It's living for him that I'd imagine would be hella tough - Anyone can die, its living that takes courage.

'WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN CHURCH? WARMING THE SEATS? HUH?' I jerked from my thoughts as I focused back at the amusing purple-faced malaysian. 'ARE YOU JUST HERE CUZ YOU FEEL LIKE IT? CAUSE THE WEATHER SUITS YOU?' An aged asian lady beside me shuffled noisly in her seat with greedy eyes of masochism, drinking it all in. They like it with chilli. I began counting the moles on my sister's arm.

All in all, the message had it's truths I suppose, but in the end of the day it always brings me back to the same thoughts of the funny things called Humans. We are selfish by nature, we're so selfish, we're even willing to be selfless because we're that selfish. People are selfless for selfish reasons, a byproduct of societal systems and teachings that there's more to gain from being 'good' in their eyes. If giving money to the poor was frowned upon by your parents and peers, you'd never do it. If not helping an old lady didnt cause you to feel bad about yourself, you'd not do it. We are driven to behave in certain ways so that we can live better lives and more importantly, better live with ourselves. Similarly, we believe in God cause there's heaven to go to, or if you're a pessimist, there's hell to avoid. Is selfishness such a bad thing? *shrugs* I dunno, but it certainly has helped me understand the things that happen in life and catch that ball when life throws a low, unexpectingly hard one.

Wow, 50 minutes spent and I felt I've accomplished something. Maybe I should try getting through Ilectures (online recording of subject lectures) one more time. Maybe I'd even succeed XD!