Monday 13 August 2007
Off and Away
I've decided to move my blog to a new blog hoster for various reasons, the new blog site is http://baneofchaos.wordpress.com/ Cya there XD
Friday 3 August 2007
Uneven depressions of an even landscape, sobering and running outta beer.
University has begun... again.
For some it is an exciting time of meeting up with old friends and the forging of new ones, of discovering new founts of knowledge that they may actually find applicable when they are inevitably tossed into the dark chasm known as the adult working life. For me, its a mixed enroaching sense of dread tinged with the slight hope of anticipation that this semester would be somewhat different, in a positive way, from the other 5 I've already sloughed through.
Don't get me wrong, its not like I havnt had my fair share of fun and joy during the last 725-ish days of uni; but looking back, most of the fun things I have done was because I needed it, because I wanted to brighten up an otherwise monotonous lifestyle, an alternative I simply couldnt bear. An alcoholic for enjoyment.
I have been chasing enjoyment and excitment for as long as I can remember, I remember how back in primary school me and my friends used to catch worms and drench them in the thinner used for liquid paper before lighting them up to see what happens (they kinda explode and the thinner usually kills them first anyways), or when we tossed soaking clumps of tissues the size of our fist off the 5th floor onto the road, pedistrians and cars below; this later evolved to throwing our classmates books and accessories. I was labeled an ADHD first in Cyprus, and then again by a hired psychiatrist by my parents in secondary school so that I had a valid reason for not getting expelled but placed under 'special treatment'. Of the 6 students under 'special treatment', 4 were classmates of mine and unsurprisingly close friends; all I can say is that we had tons of fun. Even the act of studying itself was a drag, something that should be hated and avoided at all cost, but even at the age of 7, one quickly finds out that it was in his best interests to keep the parents as far away from the cane as possible, that perhaps sometimes happiness is alot less important than avoiding lots of pain. So treading the thin line of morality, guided by the silent railings of genuine fear derived from a very natural desire to avoid pain, I have walked my childhood life. Of course many a times I have slipped that thin line and paid the price with no one to blame but myself; it was I, afterall, that chose a thin line from a boring fat one. It was only when I had trouble signing up for Trinity college due to medical reasons that another mysterious psychiatrist showed up and cheerfully told my smiling, all-knowing parents and a stunned me that I didnt really have ADHD all along and sent me packing for Melbourne. Facinating.
My hopes of studying boarding were dashed prematurely when my parents taticly claimed that I was too young (I was turning 17) for the boarding houses in Melbourne; a lie that I have yet been able to get a proper response from till this very day. Not that I can complain much since it is only thanks to the impressive cunning of my parents only surpassed by that of their cruelty that I havent, for various reasons, ended up uni-less or in child-detention. All that said, I guess you could say only someone you truely loved can wrought such fustrations and fear for both myself and my parents. Being 19 and actually realizing that a good education comes a long way in life also kinda helps alot.
I guess for now, I should simply focus on passing every semester without failing in a fashion as bearable as possible since failing would result in horrors best left to one's vivid imagination and while doing so, think of what to do in the near future; After all, we all know that it isnt possible to continously live a life of wanton enjoyment... do we?
Be happy as fast as possible but most importantly: As frigging long as possible.
For some it is an exciting time of meeting up with old friends and the forging of new ones, of discovering new founts of knowledge that they may actually find applicable when they are inevitably tossed into the dark chasm known as the adult working life. For me, its a mixed enroaching sense of dread tinged with the slight hope of anticipation that this semester would be somewhat different, in a positive way, from the other 5 I've already sloughed through.
Don't get me wrong, its not like I havnt had my fair share of fun and joy during the last 725-ish days of uni; but looking back, most of the fun things I have done was because I needed it, because I wanted to brighten up an otherwise monotonous lifestyle, an alternative I simply couldnt bear. An alcoholic for enjoyment.
I have been chasing enjoyment and excitment for as long as I can remember, I remember how back in primary school me and my friends used to catch worms and drench them in the thinner used for liquid paper before lighting them up to see what happens (they kinda explode and the thinner usually kills them first anyways), or when we tossed soaking clumps of tissues the size of our fist off the 5th floor onto the road, pedistrians and cars below; this later evolved to throwing our classmates books and accessories. I was labeled an ADHD first in Cyprus, and then again by a hired psychiatrist by my parents in secondary school so that I had a valid reason for not getting expelled but placed under 'special treatment'. Of the 6 students under 'special treatment', 4 were classmates of mine and unsurprisingly close friends; all I can say is that we had tons of fun. Even the act of studying itself was a drag, something that should be hated and avoided at all cost, but even at the age of 7, one quickly finds out that it was in his best interests to keep the parents as far away from the cane as possible, that perhaps sometimes happiness is alot less important than avoiding lots of pain. So treading the thin line of morality, guided by the silent railings of genuine fear derived from a very natural desire to avoid pain, I have walked my childhood life. Of course many a times I have slipped that thin line and paid the price with no one to blame but myself; it was I, afterall, that chose a thin line from a boring fat one. It was only when I had trouble signing up for Trinity college due to medical reasons that another mysterious psychiatrist showed up and cheerfully told my smiling, all-knowing parents and a stunned me that I didnt really have ADHD all along and sent me packing for Melbourne. Facinating.
My hopes of studying boarding were dashed prematurely when my parents taticly claimed that I was too young (I was turning 17) for the boarding houses in Melbourne; a lie that I have yet been able to get a proper response from till this very day. Not that I can complain much since it is only thanks to the impressive cunning of my parents only surpassed by that of their cruelty that I havent, for various reasons, ended up uni-less or in child-detention. All that said, I guess you could say only someone you truely loved can wrought such fustrations and fear for both myself and my parents. Being 19 and actually realizing that a good education comes a long way in life also kinda helps alot.
I guess for now, I should simply focus on passing every semester without failing in a fashion as bearable as possible since failing would result in horrors best left to one's vivid imagination and while doing so, think of what to do in the near future; After all, we all know that it isnt possible to continously live a life of wanton enjoyment... do we?
Be happy as fast as possible but most importantly: As frigging long as possible.
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